2008

you never know what life has in store for you. currently my grandfather is in a convolescent home because he was walking on the freeway and got struck. his bones are all broken. he still has no idea who anyone is. diabetic is what my doctor labeled me with a high dose of cholesterol. my eating habbits have to change. i must be 25 pounds lighter by march 18th. good luck to me. i plan on starting this new year without gary. i want to be dependent on me and me alone. wish me luck.

The Power of Prayer

Full-blown cancer, as if that was the extent of it? No my poor GramCrackers had to have her hip replaced today. Everyone was at the hospital. Everyone except me, that is. I had the responsibility of watching everyone's kids. I'm not complaining though. I was a mass of nerves, consumed by feelings of anxiety. I know my Grams was scared. Just in the past week she lost her ability to walk. Heaven forbid when the time comes for her to depart from this world what my mental state will be like then. I am close to my Grams. We all are. She's a fighter. Let's focus on the power of prayer. I shall go see her tomorrow..... (also pictured is my grandfather and his partner of fourty some years). My Grandpa has dementia and doesn't know I exist. His partner is in her ninties and continues to be robbed and kidnapped by her own family for what little she has. Though my Grams was already battling cancer in this photo, this is an scene that can never be again. How tragic, how in a matter of a few short years life can shift so horrifically. Let us pray...

I Like This Girl

I met this really great chic online. We've been chatting for hours. I dig her. I do. She has an awesome personality and is really easy to talk to. Although she's not here physically, she makes me smile. Who knows where this day of instant messaging will lead?!. If nothing becomes of us at least I had the privledge of having her brighten my day.

Things Are Finally Returning To Normal

I haven't been around lately because Logan had a seizure. There is nothing more frightening than witnessing your child convulsating all over the living room floor with their eyes rolled back in their head. He was transported to a special hospital where they determined the seizure was hereditary. He is fine now thanks to all the prayers and well wishes. Needless to say this followed days after his first birthday party. It was a Halloween costume party that was a success. Hopefully things will get back to normal and this will be the last we hear of any seizures.

The Saga Continues...

What you've missed. My credit card got stolen by CHRIS DAVIS. I will post his picture so you all know who to avoid. Naturally I made a police report. Two hundred gone. That was to be used for my son's bday party. So he basically ripped off a one year old. Gary and I are back together. The relationship is the same. Did I expect it to change. Yeah still waiting around.... Chris (Christina) and I went to the Ciara concert. Sixth Row BABY! I went to Vegas for a weekend for my aunt's bday. Robbie and I went to Magic for Gay Day. Logan's first bday was a success with balloon animals and all. See my life isn't all bad...

My Heart Cannot Be Repaired

Am Ireally that hard to love? Gary offically broke up with me today and I took it way harder than I thought i would. I just want to be alone. Can my life get anyworse?

Two Become One

About two years ago I had gone to stay the night at my friend Harvey's in Glendale. For whatever reason I had to take the bus home the next afternoon. I caught my first bus just fine but once I reached Pasadna I didn't know where I should go from there. You see I didn't really have anywhere to go. Steven and I weren't together but were still on speaking terms. He was locked up for possession and wouldn't be released until later that day. It was hot and I needed to kill some time so I spent the rest of my bus fare on a tall can of beer. Made sense at the time. There I was wondering down the street contemplating where to drink my beverage when all of a sudden some guy hit me up. He was like, " Do you blaze?" I said I didn't. He asked if I wanted to go hang out at his pad. I said, "sure why not." That day we just chilled and talked. There's nothing like the openness of strangers who aren't afraid to keep anything confedential... after all you assume you will never see this person again. Well that was one of the greatest converstaions I have ever had to this day. That was all that happened. Steven picked me up that night and I never saw that stranger again. Long story short... Two years go by and he finds me on myspace. I never forgot him and vice versa. We plan on meeting up soon. Can you believe he still likes me even though I'm fat? He likes me for me. Constantly complimenting me , calling me sweet little pet names, how can I help but fall for him? I even told Gary about him. Gary told me to go out and find someone who would satisfy me since he didn't want to. So I did. I found Hugh. Now Gary's slightly bent out of shape. I can't help but anticipate the day we meet up. We talk on the phone and I'm like a giddy teenager. I admit I don't know much about this guy except his name, favorite band, age (27), and his place of employment. Oh I should mention that he has a girlfriend. She is twice his age and has a daughter one year younger than him. I told him I wanted a sexual relationship with him, no strings attached. He agreed. We'll see what the future has in store for us. After all everything happens for a reason.

Everything Will Be Okay

This past week has been very turbulent to say the least. I was very surprised that Gary agreed to watch Logan so I could go out with Chris on Saturday night. I am extremely grateful he did. Chris is one of my best friends. I've known her for the past five years. Her and I were together a year before I went and screwed that up. I cheated on her with Steven (Logan's so-called biological father) and left her for a world of chaos driven by my self-destructive behavior. In all honesty I make a much better friend than I do girlfriend and fortunate enough for me , we remained best friends. I have a lot of love for that girl..... So Saturday her and I went to a couple porn shops and then to Oasis (the local gay bar) had a few drinks and vented. It was nice considering we rarely get to hang out. I am taking her to go see the Ciara concert in September for her birthday. That should be fun. She deserves it. She eased a lot of my stress and made me more optimistic than I had been. Everything happens for a reason. Something good is coming my way.... Or so she assured me. I didn't end up doing the DNA testing with Steven since I lost my job, funds are scarce. We'll see when things start looking up. Karma is a bitch. I know I'm just it's just paying me back. In time things will turn around. For now I'll just paint that smile across my face and make like I'm okay. In reality I'm not quite sure what I am....

Not Everyone Will Think You're Great

It's one thing to terminate a person from work. It's another to belittle their character as you do it. That is exactly what my boss did to my ego on Thursday as she fired me an hour before my shift was to end. Now I feel discouraged... The spiral continues to twist downward leaving behind a trial of misfortune. I am not so sure I look forward to the days that lie ahead....

This Was The First Song Gary Dedicated To Me

More Stess to Deal With

steven is logan's supposed biological father. him and i were together two years... two years longer than we should have lasted. i felt sorry for him in the beginning and wanted to save him from himself. i couldnt imagine how someone so young (we were both 20 at the time) could throw their life away, living such a self destructive life style. i wanted to save him from himself but in the process lost myself as well. i too began living a self destructive life style but was unaware of how damaging it was until it was much too late. feelings were invested and hearache was being experienced daily. finally when we both couldnt take anymore we split but for whatever reason he still had a hold on my heart. i loved that boy so much despite all the reasons i shouldn't have. when logie was supposedly conceived him and i werent together. my pregnancy was something i made him aware of from day one. yet he wanted no part of it and i didnt want my child growing up in that atmosphere so i distanced myself from him. long story short we met up wednesday to discuss logan. basically it was a waste of time for all he answered my questions with was a " I don't know Mel." as though this were all new to him and he hadnt had time to think about it. we came to a mutual decision that we'd do a dna test next saturday and take it from there. more stress to fuel the fire. my actions are the ones that got me in this predicament. like everything else my past always manages to come back and bite me in the ass.

Rejection Hurts

sipping on some vodka mixed with orange juice analyzing my current situation. i just moved in here with Gary (my so-called boyfriend) about two weeks ago. his friend has been staying here too. four bodies in a small one bedroom... and still he manages to spend as little time with me as possible. am i really that hard to be around? ive considered the possibility that maybe i am and i just don't know it? why else would he blow me off constantly? whenever i try to be affectionate to even the smallest degree he pushes me away and makes irriating sound effects like he is really bothered by what i've just done. so i take it in... keep my feelings to myself... and let the tears pour down when no one is looking. although his behavior is nothing new, it hurts just the same. rejection is something i have trouble coping with. what now? pretend like everything is okay? i have already come to him in tears explaining my feelings. but they were just ignored. did i expect a different outcome? the sad thing is .... i did... and pathedically i'll stick around anticipating a change that will never come about.

From the Soundtrack of My Life

Sia - Breathe Me

From the Soundtrack of My Life

Soul Asylum - Runaway Train

The Things We Do For Love

irriated... angered... bothered... annoyed... and hurt. why do i strive to find love in all the wrong places? been latched on to this guy who is twice my age - a few years older than my mom in fact... and for what? what does he have to offer me besides mounds of heartache and constant rejection? it's always been this way. he's not affectionate and would rather tweek off his computer than spend a moment with me. and still i'm here. remind me why that is. so he's a good father to my son when he's not the biological father. is that a good enough reason to put myself through this? i cry myself to sleep at night wondering where i went wrong. but what i really believe is i never had it right to begin with. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... i just feel so hurt. we just had a conversation about this earlier and he said the whole "i'm sorry baby" bullshit routine. and my dumb ass bought it as though that were the first time i had heard it. grrrrrrrrrr.... only to be ignored for the rest of the night. and tomorrow will come and he'll do the same fucken thing. the things we do for love....

Unconditional Love

my life has been an interesting journey to say the least. never second guessing my actions, i led an extremely self destructive life style that eventually would take it's toll. somehow i allowed it to plunge to such depths of despair that fear consumed me... for i felt trapped... unsure of how to flee from the choas i had created. an era of doubt, lies, and betrayal left my fragile soul in fragments. how quickly i picked up the pieces of my shattered being the moment i discovered i was pregnant. it was then that doctors discovered a tumor i had which would have gone unnoticed otherwise. as a result i can't have anymore children. my tubes had to be tied for safety precautions. Logan was my miracle baby. A blessing that opened my eyes. All i have ever wanted out of life was to be loved unconditionally. now i have it. To be a mother.... who could ask for more?

The Weakest Link

so he says "get the fuck out and take your bastard son with you!" you are hurt and confused. where did this anger come from? is he detoxing? offended by his comment you throw the computer mouse at him, but thankfully miss. consumed by sobs, asking yourself why? why put up with this? you leave. confused. what will you do next... more than likely you will forgive and forget. thats why you are the weakest link. goodbye.